Signs of a covert narcissist:
-Very charming, nice, funny, and caring at first
-Most people will like them
-Acquaintances usually will never find out that this person is a narcissist
-They are great at hiding their narcissistic traits from others much harder to detect than malignant narcissist
-Only people in close relationships with this type of narc know how they really are
-Victims of covert narcs are usually mentally/psychologically abused by them
-Coverts love to use guilt against their victims, this is one of their main tactics
-Coverts are also hypochondriacs they will claim they are sick or dying in order to gain attention from others. Also using their supposed bad health as a guilt trip tactic to those that try to avoid them.
-They seem charitable, coverts will help others but this help is only to have leverage to use against someone later. Their charity is not true charity, it is a favor that they will expect to be returned whenever they ask
Signs of a malignant narcissist:
-Arrogance, they will show that they think they are better than everyone
-Lack of empathy, they have a very hard time feeling bad for anyone no matter the situation
-Malicious, if you get on the bad side of a malignant narcissist be prepared for war. They will try any and everything they can to ruin your life.
-Selfish behavior, malignant narcs will do things that only benefit themselves. You will rarely see them do anything for someone else unless they are getting attention for helping others
-Holding grudges, now this is not the typical grudge, most people will just avoid people they don’t like. Malignant narcs cannot do this, they will continually try to cause chaos or cause harm to someone they have a grudge against
-Gossiping, malignant narcissist love to spread rumors and gossip about others. The gossip that they fixate on is harmful gossip that could really harm the person they are speaking of. Most of the gossip from a malignant narcissist is also fabricated.
-Very controlling, with a malignant narcissist it is all about control. They are control freaks and come across as micro-managers because they think that they are more competent than everyone else. If anyone tries to control or manage the malignant narcissist they will get very angry with that person.
Covert narcissism can be used interchangeably with “vulnerable” narcissism. In this sense, covert narcissists are people who develop narcissistic traits or NPD as a defense against deep, underlying feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness and an unstable sense-of-identity. They often oscillate between grandiosity and feelings of complete worthlessness and emptiness.
A strong connection exists between “covert” narcissism and the borderline and avoidant personality disorders. These people often have a shy, sensitive and self-effacing demeanor which masks their narcissistic traits, hence the term “covert” narcissism. They rely on acceptance and validation from others and often associate with “special” or high-status individuals to feel worthy. If their attempts to get validation fail, then they withdraw. They are like an empty, leaking cup that needs filling all the time.
Malignant narcissism is much more insidious and terrifying than covert narcissism, and blurs the lines between narcissism and psychopathy. In malignant narcissism, there is a complex blend of narcissism with antisocial, paranoid and sadistic elements. This person is a violent control freak and a danger to themselves or others, and can ruin lives. They are the “quintessence of evil” as one psychoanalyst put it.
They are callous, cunning, manipulative, grandiose and unburdened by guilt or remorse. They are emotionally shallow and lack the capacity to bond with others. This mixture of traits is nearly identical to the items specified under Factor 1 of the Hare Psychopathy Checklist (PCL-R), which deals with the affective/interpersonal aspects of psychopathy.
These people believe themselves to be superior to the point of being above-the-law and almost omnipotent, which manifests itself in antisocial acting out for which they are subsequently punished or rejected. With each punishment and rejection, they become more bitter and more resentful and remain unwilling to accept responsibility. They also have a paranoid orientation which causes them to develop a persecution complex and bear grudges.
Malignant narcissists often what the FBI calls “injustice collectors.” All of this resentment and hatred of others culminates in acting out of an antisocial and egocentric nature, known as egosyntonic aggression
The Malignant Narcissist
Malignant Narcissists’ main method of managing their self-esteem is by overtly dominating and devaluing other people. Most have a sadistic streak and enjoy when other people feel diminished. They want their status as number 1 recognized by everyone, and if someone stands in their way, they hate the person and will try to destroy them.
Snow White’s Evil Stepmother
The classic example is the beautiful evil Queen in the fairy tale “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” She tolerated Snow Whites’s existence as long as Snow White was clearly below her in beauty and presented no challenge. When the Queen’s magic mirror told her that Snow White was now “the most beautiful in the land,” she sent her huntsman to kill her and brutally orders him to “Bring me her heart in this box.”
The Covert or Closet Narcissist
This type of Narcissist is uncomfortable in the spotlight and instead finds more indirect ways to lift their self-esteem. Instead of saying, “I am the greatest,” they may associate themselves with a person, object, religion, belief system, political party, sports team, or country and say, “It is the greatest.” They them feel special through association. Or they may call attention to themselves by being martyrs or telling repetitive stories that cast them in the role of innocent victim—over and over again.
Unlike the Malignant Narcissist who is openly devaluing and destructive, most Covert or Closet Narcissists are pretty harmless. Often they are generous people who are very insecure about their self-worth who feel very vulnerable. At worst, they are boring, insecure, manipulative, and passive aggressive. At their best they can be hard working, helpful, and quite likable.
Some Covert Narcissists Can Be Malignant
A very small subgroup of Covert or Closet Narcissists can be Malignant as well. When a Covert or Closet Narcissist is Malignant, they are generally sneakier about how they go about sabotaging and devaluing other people. Think of your sweet old aunt who you visit on her birthday. Nothing you do is ever quite right.
A Typical Conversation:
You: “Hi Aunt Ida. I brought you your favorite Babka cake.”
Aunt Ida: “What a waste. Didn’t you know I am pre-diabetic?”
You: “No. I’m so sorry. You never mentioned it before.”
Aunt Ida: “Well, if you called me more often, you would know what is going on with me.”
No matter what you say or do, you and everyone else always leave Aunt Ida’s home feeling worse than when you arrived and somehow guilty of mistreating her.
Punchline: Malignant Narcissists are usually very direct about demanding to be acknowledged by everyone as the most dominant person in the hierarchy and are always destructive to those around them. Covert or Closet Narcissists are afraid to be in the spotlight and use more indirect methods to get attention and praise. When a Covert Narcissist is Malignant as well, their attacks on others tend to be veiled as normal conversation.
A2A
Elinor Greenberg, PhD, CGP
In private practice in NYC and the author of the book: Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety.
http://www.elinorgreenberg.com
What is the difference between a malignant narcissism and covert narcissism?
The difference between malignant narcissism and covert is somewhat more nuanced than what one might see at first glance.
Both are not specifically DSM diagnoses. But then, the DSM is really a book for insurance companies. So think on that a moment.
Malignant Narcissists are co-morbid with anti-social personality. They rage, they lie, they cheat. They feel that they are above others and are allowed to do these things while others are not because they are special. They view others as tools. A means to an end. But they still want the admiration and attention of other people. This makes them different from simple anti-social. They will slice you open if it serves a need, but they expect you to still love them. Or, at the very least, be focused on them in some way.
Covert narcissists are oh so nice and helpful! Shy and withdrawn. Introverts, really. Well, this is what they want you to think. Shyness is their honey trap. Individuals ( AKA the perfect victim) with a need to help others and those who maybe don’t have great self esteem are drawn to the lovely loner intellectual in the corner who is having difficulty socializing at a party.
And initially they are wonderful. They adore you. You are a magic special human who has managed to enter their unique reclusive world. They don’t broadcast the “ I know I’m amazing and everyone should be so lucky as to bow before my shoe!” air that the malignant does. But deep inside, you better believe that they feel that… sometimes.
They also know ( know in terms of how they understand relationships) that in order to keep you, they need to break you. They will start testing this early on with a subtle back handed compliment or an outright mean statement that they later said they never said. What are you talking about? They would never do something like that?!
And what do you do in response to that? If you question yourself and stick around, you are stuck. For now.
So the mind twisting and game playing increases. And mind you, they don’t do this to everyone around them. Just the “special people”. So if you try to reality test with other people, you may get nowhere. It’s all you. It’s all in your head.
Like the malignant narcissist, morals are for lesser beings. Lies, manipulation of facts, and outright hurtful behavior just to see you squirm, is all par for the course. You are a fly, and they are the boy holding your wing.
A malignant narcissist will just grab a fly, plop it in front of a classmate, and demand they pay him allegiance because he pulled the wings off the fly in front of them. The fly deserved it, they will say. The fly was a nasty nasty creature and if you don’t think so, too, you are stupid. They will mount the fly as a wingless trophy among other flies they de-winged.
A covert narcissist will hold the fly in secret and savor the power of slowly pulling the wings while examining the reaction slowly. If caught in the act, they will insist they were attempting to help the poor dear fly in some manner and explain away anything that looked like sadism.
Both enjoy the power and the pain that they are causing. Both do not connect with the fly as a being at all. It’s a toy and an object. They may save the fly in a pocket or a drawer. They want to keep it, but they don’t want others to see. They want it to stay alive longer to see how it progresses. They want it to be dependent on him for care. But he is not really interested in doing any of the work of caring. He just wants to feel that it somehow makes him special.
Both malignant narcissists and covert/closet narcissists can do significant damage via devaluing their significant others.
What makes malignant narcissists so particularly cruel dangerous is the toxic blend of character traits that makes for a particularly virulent type of narcissism.
Having researched malignant narcissism, I have gotten the impression that malignant narcissism is by far the harshest and least forgiving of different narcissist types.
It is as if there were a hierarchy of cruelty and brutality amongst the different types of narcissism, malignant narcissism is the “Darth Vader” of narcissism types.
He or she injures his/her significant other (SO) with malice aforethought — an evil or depraved state of mind in which the abuser intentionally chooses to inflict pain.
This list of malignant narcissist traits is fraught with disturbing characteristics that would make any relationships very challenging.
The malignant narcissists abuse is unduly harsh due to the fact it sadistic quality to it. In other words, the malignant narcissist derives an emotional lift from observing his or her significant other (SO) suffer.
The malignant narcissist is mildly paranoid. He believes people are out to take from from him. If the malignant narcissist feels that he has been betrayed, he will go to extreme lengths to punish the betrayer………….
Malignant Narcissist Traits
•arrogant
•grandiose
•preoccupied with money
•preoccupied with beauty
•preoccupied with power
•preoccupied with brilliance
•they believe they are special
•need for excessive adoration
•strong sense of entitlement
•exploitative
•very angry when others get attention
•lack of empathy
•envious of others
•vicious gossip
•shaming
•sadistic
•calculating manipulation
•gaslighting
•calculated love bombing
•violence
•explosive anger
•pathological liar
•cheater
•thief
•no remorse
•hyper sensitive to criticism
•insanely jealous
•need constant contact
•hyper control
•hyper vigilance
•paranoid
•no empathy
•shallow apology, at best
•wont be held accountable
•will not ownership
•will tell people they are crazy
•delusions of grandeur
•egocentricity
•revel in others failures
•revel in others downturns
•assert people who gave it better as they as just being lucky
•massive envy
•focus on superficial attributes
•compare their looks to others
•sabotage others
•over concerned about their appearance
•can’t accept feedback
•vengeful
•superficial charm
•bullies
Covert/closet narcissist’s tend to gravitate to significant others (SOs) who can establish and/or assist in amplifying the covert narcissist’s prestige and status.
A covert narc’s life will always return to its baseline drama, chaos, and trauma. His or her feelings of chronic emptiness runs deep, and no matter how many times he or she temporarily convinces himself that his bottomless pit of emptiness can be filled, it never will.
Regardless of how many flings and affairs he has in a vain effort to validate and affirm that he or she is worthy of being loved, the empty pit in his soul is always hungry for more and more…..
• fuel
•validation
•affirmation
•attention.
It is unfortunate that the SO’s patience, even temperament, and relative selflessness will often act as triggers that cause the covert narcissist to act out and behave cruelly toward him or her.
The covert narcissist is pathologically envious of others — even his or her SO. The covert narcissist, who initially sought out the covert narcissist due to his or her positive attributes, eventually despises the SO for having those very same traits.
This is unfortunate, albeit not necessarily surprising, because the covert narcissist compares him or herself to his or her SO.
The Covert Narcissist Envies his or her Status Enhancer Significant Other
The covert narcissist sees him or herself as less than. The covert narcissist feels inferior to his or her SO/“status enhancer”/giver who always had accepted the narcissist for who he or she was without judgement. This is part of what makes the covert narcissist/neurotypical relationship dynamic so tragically ironic.
Unbeknownst to the SO/“status enhancer,” the covert narc rather than “own” his or her issues will inevitably subconsciously assert that the SO is responsible for the narcissist’s feeling……
•guilty
•criticized
•humiliated
•embarrassed
•belittled
Faced with experiencing these feelings, the covert narcissist will thereafter feel shame, — which is an anathema to him or her that must avoided at all costs.
Shame Offload Via Devaluation
The covert narc will be eager to offload his shame by devaluing the SO/ “status enhancer”/shame source. The covert narc has an arsenal chock full of passive-aggressive weaponry in the form of maladaptive coping mechanisms.
The covert narcissist is an expert handler of these passive-aggressive weapons. Moreover, he or she knows first-hand how effective this weaponry is when it comes to undermining a person’s self-esteem.
The covert narcissist learned his or her “craft” from his or her negligent caregiver(s) who used these very weapons with devastating effect against the covert narcissist when he or she was a defenseless child.
The covert narc has in essence been armed from his or her birth forward to become a self-esteem reduction specialist.
He or she will tenaciously set to work to achieve this goal by projecting his or her flaws onto the SO by asserting the SO is…………
•A narcissist
•Incompetent
•Not intelligent
•Not good looking enough
•Controlling
•Crazy
•Playing the martyr/victim
•Unfaithful
•Selfish
Phoenix Evolution 